Hold me Jesus. An update....

Well... it's time for me to write a new blog update. I know it's been a LOOOONG while, so it is way overdue.

Adalynn is doing great. She was a hard newborn. Breastfeeding was difficult with her, but we kept it up for a year. She has been sick a lot, mostly with ear infections and sinus infections. She did get pneumonia once and the flu... those were both kind of scary. But she is fantastic. She is the best thing that has ever happened to me. She loves animals and bugs, she is a hugger, and randomly gives me kisses. She eats well and listens great, too. I can't even believe I have been blessed with such an amazing miracle...

In August of last year, I was starting to feel some endometriosis pain. Knowing that we were wanting to do our (last) embryo transfer sometime at the beginning of this year, I decided the best thing to do was take a 6 month course of Lupron to shut everything down. Lupron was pretty easy for me. I didn't have any major symptoms. I was a tad more moody. But I was pain free while I was on it... it was awesome!

Once my lupron ran out, we started our cycle to transfer our last frozen embryo. The cycle started in February. And being a frozen transfer, it was simple. I was taking 6mg of estridol a day. That was it. I took an antibiotic and a steriod right around transfer. The week of the transfer was crazy. We had an ice storm, Adalynn was dx with the flu, and Bryan traveled to Florida for training for his new job. I started my PIO shot that week, and since we didn't tell anyone we were doing the transfer, for that first week I had to do the shot alone! I was a little scared about it, but got good at it... I even did it myself several times after Bryan got home.

The transfer was scheduled for 10:15am on February 27.  Bryan was schedule to fly home at 9 or 10pm February 26... because of all sorts of things, (I can't remember now what) his flights got delayed and he missed his lay over flight Atlanta... There wasn't another flight out of Atlanta until 7 the next morning... the same morning as the transfer!!! So... we just prayed! I remember when I was driving to Carolina Conceptions, I saw an airplane flying low like it was landing... I thought "I sure hope that's Bryan's plane!" We both think it probably was... He made it to the appt just in time! I was SOOO nervous he was going to miss it.

We transferred the one embryo. It was perfect. And the transfer went fantastically. And of course I started testing the day after the transfer. On 5dp5dt, (10dpo) I got a beautiful second line on an HPT. Two days later, I got a wonderful "PREGNANT" on a clearblue digi. I was so happy!! On Monday, March 9, I had my first beta draw. 325... a fantastic number! And then on the 11 my number jumped to 840 (or so...) We decided to tell our families then. I put Adalynn in the cutest little "Big Sister" tshirt. What a wonderful day! It was so exciting to be able to share that moment and surprise them.

At 6w3d, we had our first u/s. One perfect, beautiful heartbeat! It was amazing. I was feeling sick and so exhausted! I was loving my newly pregnant feelings!

At 7w3d, we had our second u/s... Baby was growing perfect! Measuring right on track. Heart was still beating. I was so in love. And our RE released us. Due Date was set for November 16!

When i hit the 9 week mark, (around April 11) all my symptoms went away. I stopped having sensitive smell, nausea, hunger, exhaustion... I was hoping it was because I was getting closer to the 12 weeks mark when all of those things start to go away. But it was so different from my pg with Adalynn, when I was sick the WHOLE pregnancy. My appt with my regular OBGYN wasn't until April 27.. or 11w3d. I was already trying to keep from getting too attached, just because I am an infertile. And sometimes, that's what we do...

Well, my appt with my regular ob came up... It was that Monday... April 27. I had stopped taking my PIO the Wednesday before that. The morning of, I started spotting... I tried to get into the dr early bc of that, but they couldn't fit me it. My appt was at 3:20...

The u/s lady was backed up. So we didn't get to that part of the appt until 5:00. She put the u/s thing on my stomach... and looked at that little tiny baby.... for just a minute. This is a moment I will never be able to get out of my head. That perfect, still, tiny little baby. Measuring 8w4d. The u/s tech was so nice. She said, "Let's get a transvaginal look, so I can get closer and see what is going on..." But I already knew. Bryan already knew. I thanked her for being positive. When we did the other u/s, she got a closer look of a baby that was too small. A baby that was too still. A heart that was not beating. She apologized, and left the room. I sat on that table... and just cried. Bryan hugged me. There weren't many words spoken. We both just hurt.

My OBGYN, Dr. Sheshadri, talked with us about the options. We decided that I didn't want to miscarry at home. It would be too emotional. Too hard. Plus, with my history of hemorrhaging when i delivered Adalynn, it may have been too dangerous. He made sure the D&E was scheduled for the next morning before I left (even though the H has already closed... he made sure it happened).

The procedure went smoothly. I have been home since. Trying to rest and get my mind wrapped around what happened.  I still don't know how to feel. That was our last embryo.. and IVF is so expensive, financially and emotionally, we won't be traveling that road again. Dr. Sheshadri has suggested we do testing to see why I keep losing babies. This will make 5 babies that I have lost. I am going to think about it for a bit... and decide if I want to do the testing. Decide if we want to try again. Adalynn is a good egg. She is my perfect, good egg... she is definitely a miracle.

Sooo.. that is what has been happening here. I know, without a shadow of a doubt... that God has a plan. I do not know what that plan is... But I know God is good. And He loves me. And He loves that precious baby that I lost. These are the things in which I rest. These are the things in which I find my hope, my peace. I am still grieving. I am still hurting. But I know that God is right here with me... Hurting. Grieving. Holding me.

(written Thursday, April 30, 2015)