My battle with infertility and miscarriage...

... isn't over...

There are a couple things I would like to say. First, I know that many of the (few) people that follow my blog struggle with infertility. I know the pain it causes when you log on to your blog list and person after person is announcing their new pregnancy. I would like to apologize to you if I have caused you any pain or discomfort in the last few days. I totally understand. I totally get that... "*blink*blink*... yeah... I really am happy for you..." while dying inside. Please know that I will never forget. If this pregnancy continues and in 8 months I have this baby... I will never forget. I will not leave anyone behind in pain and hurt. I will continue to pray, fight, and do whatever I can to comfort. I understand if you do not frequent my blog, or visit at all. I totally get it.

The other thing I would like to take a minute to explain is the anxiety that I have been feeling since Wednesday. I have tried to find an article online that would help be put my thoughts into words, because I have been having a hard time explaining it. It is hard to find anything, but I am going to insert some lines from one of the articles I read...

Pregnancy for most women means joyous anticipation of the birth of a baby, day-dreaming about the child, preparing the nursery, accepting congratulations from friends.
For some pregnant women, however, feeling joy is a psychological luxury they can't afford. These are women who after one, sometimes many, miscarriages, stillbirths or newborn deaths, are pregnant again. 
To protect themselves from another potential crushing emotional blow, it is easier to think of their pregnancy as an impersonal biological condition. They are not, in fact, "expecting a baby."
'One Foot In -- One Foot Out' describes women's sense that the pregnancy is uncertain, so they steel themselves emotionally by acknowledging that the pregnancy may not end with the birth of a live baby. They cushion themselves against attaching to the new baby... For most of these women, carefree enjoyment of a pregnancy is not possible. Instead, it is a balancing act between trying to insure safe passage of the baby while maintaining emotional stability.

I am sure this is a hard concept to get across to someone who has never experienced it. Even though I am days past where my last pregnancy ended, I can't seem to relax about where this might end. I know God has a plan, and I have thanked Him on an hourly bases for letting me get as far as He has. He has given me 5w1d with this baby(ies). He knows what the plan is... and I know I have to trust it. I am not scared. But I do find it hard to say "I'm pregnant..." I do find it hard to get attached to however many precious lives there are inside me.

Please don't misunderstand me. I am so excited. I couldn't be more thrilled. But the reality is I have lost three babies before now... And it effects me daily. And this pregnancy is no different. It effects me. I love these babies. And I am so afraid my body isn't going to take care of them...

Philippians 4:6-8
Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, shall guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Finally, brethren, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good repute, if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise, let your mind dwell on these things.
Matthew 6:31-34
"Do not be anxious then, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'With what shall we clothe ourselves?' "For all these things the Gentiles eagerly seek; for your heavenly Father knows that you need all these things. "But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness; and all these things shall be added to you. "Therefore do not be anxious for tomorrow; for tomorrow will care for itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.
Psalm 56:3
When I am afraid, I will put my trust in Thee.
Matthew 6:27
"And which of you by being anxious can add a single cubit to his life's span?
Matthew 11:28-30
"Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest. "Take My yoke upon you, and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart; and you shall find rest for your souls. "For My yoke is easy, and My load is light."
Psalm 121:1-2
I Will lift up my eyes to the mountains; From whence shall my help come? My help comes from the LORD, Who made heaven and earth.
Psalm 23:4
Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I fear no evil; for Thou art with me; Thy rod and Thy staff, they comfort me.
Proverbs 3:5-6
Trust in the LORD with all your heart, And do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, And He will make your paths straight.