The range of emotions that a woman goes through with suffering through infertility is wide. The pendulum swings on a wide spectrum that ranges from anger, hatred, fear and worry to excitement and hope. And these emotions are cyclic in nature. They begin with a cycle, and end with a cycle... And it is something that I am not sure I could explain very well to someone who has never been faced with infertility. There are studies that suggest that there are some illnesses that are comparable to the stress of infertility, but I will leave statistics out of this post!
And if the infertile woman then has to suffer through miscarriages, this adds a whole new realm of emotion to the already confusing thoughts that she has.
So... what happens when this woman gets pregnant!! IT ALL JUST GOES AWAY, RIGHT!?!
This is a misconception that I think all people have... That pregnancy Resolves the feelings and emotions of infertility, especially when you reach a certain point (ie: the second trimester or the point past where the last miscarriage was...). I am almost 13 weeks pregnant, and the emotions that I still suffer through are amazing to me. It is awesome the way my mind can just take over... And here are a few of the emotions that I have. (Please don't get me wrong... I am so excited to be pregnant. I do not take one minute for granted, and I know how blessed I am. But, these are just some of the emotions that I have been working through. Some of them have been surprising to me. And I know God helps me with every step!)
Fear- I am afraid every day that all of the work that has been put in, all of the effort that has been made, will not result in a live birth at the end of this. I thought that once I got past where my latest miscarriage was, this would go away some... it did not. I also thought once I saw a heartbeat it would diminish.. which it has not. I thought once I get to my second trimester... wrong again. Maybe once I feel the baby moving...
Stress- a byproduct of fear I suppose.
Anger- This one surprised me. I thought that once I was pregnant, hearing stories of other pregnant women, or seeing other glowing pregnant ladies wouldn't bother me... I was wrong. It does...
Guilt- the above mentioned emotions do not come without some amount of guilt. I feel guilt because I have been blessed with a successful cycle, and am still feeling so afraid and still having anger. I do not understand why I still feel these emotions. I have guilt because I feel like I do not have joy. This should be the most exciting time of my life. But it isn't.
Survivor's Guilt- I am constantly aware of my friends that are not pregnant yet. I know what they are going through. I know what it feels like to hear stories of pregnancy, birth, newborns, and all of that and not be able to have it... but long so badly for it. I do not want to push my pregnancy in their faces. I have some friends who have been through longer journeys and harder treatments then me. And I want them all to be pregnant already... and it just doesn't work. They are all very excited when an IF sister gets pregnant. But it still hurts. And I know this. And it makes me feel guilty because I am pregnant and they are not.
That is all that comes to mind now... And I know these are all emotions that I need to work through, work out, and hand over to God. Infertility stole my life before I was able to get pregnant... and now that I am pregnant it seems to also steal some of the joys of being pregnant.
I am so happy to be pregnant... I do not have these emotions constantly... and I am not falling into depression. These are just some of the emotions that I have found it difficult to have after getting such wonderful news. I also have excitement and joy. I have wonderful anticipation for fun things coming up. I go through all the normal emotions that any woman would go through when she is
Oh Anna sweetie I can assure you that every one of these feelings are completely natural and normal. Many of my fellow bloggers and IF friends that are now pregnant have suffered with all these feelings. Some of them even suffered up until delivery. Sure wish there was something I could say that would magically make you feel wonderful and not worry or have these other feelings. Infertility never leaves us, we just have to figure out a new way of living.
ReplyDeleteAnna, even though I have not had a successful cycle yet I can say that those feelings would be natural. You've struggled so long so how could this really be a great ending? I would imagine that is quite normal. Infertility is one of the hardest things I have had to go through and I have really suppressed my feelings lately, but after reading your blog post today I really just need to be honest with myself too. I am scared to death. I am scared that I will disappoint God if I am the least little bit weak, but that is a lie straight from the devil. God is the one who will hold me up when I feel so weak and He will be my strength. I cannot say I know the pain you feel, but I can say that if it were me Im sure I would have the same fears, excitements, struggles, survivors guilt etc.....I love you girl and I know that God will see you through!
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